Lesson 4

Viewing conflicts as problems in relationships enables us to use proven problem solving strategies as a way to manage conflicts. The problem solving strategy we like to use is called Collaborative Problem Solving… it is a step by step approach in which we teach children (or adults!) to work together to find solutions to the problem they are experiencing that will meet both of their needs.

Collaborative Problem Solving gets away from the mindset of having one sibling be viewed as the “winner” of an argument, and the other, the “loser.” Identifying winners and losers of conflicts can only perpetuate power differentials between siblings and that is simply not productive. And we certainly don’t want to perpetuate situations in which a younger child consistently gives in to the demands of an older sibling. Instead, when the solution is intended to meet the needs of both children, both are winners. These are true “win-win” situations. And, that is our goal.

The best part of Collaborative Problem Solving is that you, as a parent, don’t have to find the solution to the conflict or “fix” the problem. Instead, you will teach your children to do this. You will simply serve as a coach—making sure that children realize when they have a problem they need to solve and then give them prompts or reminders about how they can solve the problem.

In other words, you don’t have to separate children to stop them from fighting. You won’t need to punish your kids—or threaten your kids with punishment—when they do fight. Instead, you will use the very systematic collaborative problem solving method to coach your kids through the conflict, until they have found a resolution that they feel meets each of their needs.

Although it may feel complicated at first, you will certainly get the hang of it. And with practice, this will be much less of an emotionally draining process than the strategies parents typically use to try to get their children to stop fighting. It will become less emotionally draining because you will see results. It works. Over time and with your guidance, your children will learn the process and will become capable of doing it on their own to talk through and settle disagreements. Eventually, your job may be simply to remind kids when they need to use their Sibling Steps to solve problems and to be available to them if they need some help.

Note: As we mentioned in Lesson 1, our focus is on conflicts that are verbal in nature. If you find your children engaging in physical forms of conflict, aggression or abuse, you will need professional clinical assistance. We would be happy to provide you with an appropriate referral, if this is the case.

Pulling it All Together

Now, we need to teach children how to identify the problem they are facing and how to use brainstorming methods to come up with a bunch of possible solutions to their problem. We need to teach children to select solutions that will meet not only their own need, but also the needs of their siblings.

Conflict Management builds upon all of the steps the children have learned so far plus problem solving:

In the More Fun with Sisters and Brothers Program, the “See It Your Way, See It My Way” strategy is important for beginning the conflict management process. It helps children to settle their disagreements by talking it out, rather than through fighting or trying to distance themselves from one another. Then, the skills presented in Lesson 3 on Emotion Regulation can be used to help your children avoid letting their anger or frustration direct their behaviors. Instead, you will help your children to talk about their individual thoughts, needs and feelings and to use one of several ways to calm down and “chill.” And, once their calm and they understand each other’s point of view, they will be ready to do some brainstorming so they can come up with some possible solutions to their problem, try them out, and see if that solved the problem.

It is very possible that the first idea that the children agree to try won’t work to meet both of their needs. In those cases, it’s important to lead the children through a process by which they select and try out another possible solution to the problem. If none of the possible solutions that they came up with work, then they probably need to do some additional brainstorming. There are always more ways to try to solve a problem. We’re teaching persistence along with creative problem solving.

Teaching children to resolve their own conflicts will, over time, relieve parents from having to be the ones to settle arguments and negotiate outcomes. Children will become more self-sufficient and more capable of establishing good relationships with many types of individuals, including their siblings!

You may have noticed that in this example, Tyrone began by talking about how HE saw things. We actually encourage children to first “See it Your Way”—not their own way. (So we would encourage Tyrone to also see Samantha’s point of view). This is to help them remember that their sibling’s view is also very important—just as important as their own—even if they don’t agree. We’re trying to encourage children to avoid being overly self-focused.

1. Monitor your children. Watch for instances when your children could use the steps to resolve a disagreement.

2. Head off conflicts by reminding children to use the steps when small disagreements arise. A statement as simple as, “Hmm. It looks as though you two may be having a problem. What’s the first step you can use to work this out?” This should remind them to say, “STOP!” You can lead them through the rest of the problem solving sequence by using the steps above.

3. Although young siblings may be able to use the steps on their own in many situations, sometimes your help and guidance is needed to get them through the process. In this case, use the steps as “cues”—help them remember what to do, but encourage them to do their own thinking and talking to solve the problem.

4. Encourage children for using skills correctly. Verbal praise is extremely effective for reinforcing positive problem solving methods. Example: “Great job! Your remembered all the steps for solving a problem. You told your sister/brother you didn’t like what was happening without yelling!”

You’ve now learned the elements of good problem solving. Although it may seem difficult to remember all of the steps when you’re in the midst of trying to get your kids to work together instead of fighting, don’t worry. There’s no one right way to do this. With practice, you’ll find your groove. Here are the key ideas to keep in mind:

– Don’t buy into the “she started it” or “he’s right/she’s wrong” mentality. If siblings are having a conflict, they both have a problem. It doesn’t really matter what caused it. Focus on getting the kids to slow down (STOP), manage feelings of anger or frustration (CHILL) so that they can effectively explain their own positions and understand their sibling’s position (SEE IT YOUR WAY, SEE IT MY WAY), which will set the stage for some good brainstorming about ways to solve the problem so they both get their more important needs met.

• Be patient. The first strategy used to solve a problem may not work. Kids need to learn to be persistent and keep trying different approaches until they have found a solution that works for both of them.
• Your role is to guide or coach children through this process. You do not have to solve the problem for them. But, you do need to ensure that they both have the tools they need to work on difficult problems.

• It’s not okay for one child to always “give in” to the other. We want each child to learn how to stay in there when unpleasant feelings arise during conflict, so that they can persist and find a mutually acceptable solution.
• A problem is solved (a conflict is managed) when both children feel good about the outcome. In More Fun with Sisters and Brothers Program language, they are both “having fun.”

Now it’s time to see what you have learned and how things have changed in your family since beginning the More Fun with Sisters and Brothers Program. We ask that you take some time to share with us your current thoughts about your children’s relationship with one another, and with you, so that we can determine how helpful the program has been for you and your family.

When you complete the questionnaires, we will provide you with access to some materials that will help you teach all of the More Fun with Sisters and Brothers Program skills with your children in a way they should enjoy:

• Story Books
• Activity Book
• A Rap Song

Please click below to access the questionnaires.

Being able to manage difficult emotions is a critical step for being able to manage disagreements with siblings. In Lesson 4, we will show you how you can draw upon these emotion regulation skills to teach your children a very simple problem solving strategy for resolving conflicts.

In the live version of the More Fun with Sisters and Brothers Program with 4- to 8-year old children, we introduce the siblings to a set of 4 puppets who represent two sisters (Jaxie, Trixie) and two brothers (Moxie and Stax) from the Planet Xandia. The puppets, who have arrived on a spaceship, are here to learn from our earth children about how to help the siblings on Xandia get along. The puppets act out situations in which the skills we are teaching in the program can be used to help sisters and brothers have fun together and manage disagreements.

The activity book and series of bedtime stories recount tales in which the Xandian brothers and sisters face challenges in getting along and how they use the Sibling Steps taught in the More Fun with Sisters and Brothers Program to learn to have more fun together and manage conflicts. The Rap Song provides children with a fun way to remember all of the skills you’ve been teaching them.